Changing Destructive Core Beliefs About Yourself
Dr. John Schinnerer
Coach and counselor
Coaching is a means to assist individuals in identifying their core values and using those values to set long-term goals. Each long-term goal is broken up into smaller, achievable tasks. In this manner, I can assure the eventual success of my clients by continuing to break down larger, more imposing challenges into smaller and smaller acts. Coaching is a major asset for reprogramming the mental tapes, or thoughts, that run through your head. Oftentimes, these thoughts are so quick you aren’t even consciously aware of them. Most times, these thoughts are negative and cause a negative reaction in our body. Ninety-nine percent of the time thoughts are laced with emotion. Negative thoughts lead to negative emotions (i.e., sadness, anger, and fear primarily). Positive thoughts lead to positive emotions (i.e., happiness, contentment and relaxation). Coaching helps you to reprogram your old tapes and their accompanying feelings so you can feed your brain healthy messages and increase the amount of time you spend in positive emotions. Recent research has shown that the goal for a thriving life is 3 times as much positive emotion as negative emotion.
Change Your Negative Habits
Did you know that by changing your brain, you can change your life? You can. The brain relies on pathways between brain cells (neurons) to communicate messages from one area to another. You can create new pathways in your brain. You are capable of learning new ways of doing and being. To do so, you only need to do three things:
1. Become aware of your bad habit
2. Substitute a new and improved habit for the old one
3. Rehearse the new habit until it becomes automatic
When you learn new skills and attitudes, new pathways are created in your brain. The most efficient way to create these new pathways is by practicing the new task. The more you practice, the deeper engrained the pathway becomes in your brain.
The downside is that the more you continue to do the same old negative thoughts and behaviors, the more deeply engrained they become as well. However, you can change this at any moment by merely being aware of those thoughts you want to change and then consciously and intentionally substituting in a more positive thought.
Research has shown that our brain has the capability to create new pathways for as long as you live. This is exciting news because we used to believe the brain was incapable of growth and change after early adulthood. We now know that the brain continues to grow and adapt every day of our lives. Your brain is just like a muscle that needs exercise if you want to keep it in shape. And, believe me; you definitely want to keep your brain in shape!
Blazing a New Trail in Your Brain
At first, it seems difficult to learn a new skill or attitude. When you begin learning a new skill, the baby pathway between brain cells is like a hiking path in your brain. It’s made of dirt and has pebbles and rocks on it. It is not very well-traveled so messages have a more difficult time “walking” from one place to another. The more you try out the new skill, the stronger the pathway becomes. After some practice, the pathway grows from a hiking trail into a two-lane highway. Now the messages move quickly and easily between the brain cells. Over time, the new skill becomes automatic and the two-lane highway solidifies into a super highway where the messengers of the brain rocket back and forth. The more you practice a new behavior, the more automatic and easier it becomes.
Just as physical skills such as running, jumping and playing sports become automatic through repetition, so too do thoughts, emotions and attitudes. As you repeat positive thoughts, your underlying pathways in the brain become stronger. Eventually, these paths become hardwired into your brain’s circuitry.
Revisit Your Essential Core Beliefs
Your core beliefs, your stealthy, silent thoughts, matter tremendously. Take a close look at your core beliefs because they fuel your thinking. If your core beliefs are negative (e.g., “I always get the short end of the stick.”), then your thinking will be negative. Negative thoughts lead to destructive emotions. So take a close look at your core beliefs, those things that you believe deep down in the core of your being.
While not scientifically proven, there seems to be a triad of negative beliefs which are at the root of all other destructive beliefs. These three beliefs stem from a confusion that arises when you mistake who you are with what you do. You are not what you do. You are not merely what you believe. You are not only what you feel. Those are aspects, facets, of you, but they are not the essence of you. You are far more than mere actions, beliefs, or feelings.
Many people make the serious error of rating how well they achieve followed by rating themselves as a good or bad person. Most folks judge their worth based on their achievements, their successes, and their failures. It’s a ubiquitous error in judgment; everyone makes it unless taught otherwise. Logically, it seems to make sense. I, the individual, kick the ball well or poorly. The ball doesn’t kick itself. So I ‘logically’ judge my kicking ability as good or bad. Then, I ‘illogically’ rate myself as a bad kicker, a bad athlete, or even a bad person. It’s a mistake of overgeneralization. Most people overgeneralize from doing a bad act to being a bad person. That’s a fallacy. It’s wrong. Learn to separate your worth as an individual from your individual actions.
For example, I’m working with my nine year old son on the concept that he is far more than his ability on the baseball diamond. Whether he hits the ball well or not, he is still a great person. A bad day at the ballpark does not make him a bad individual. A bad act does not a bad person make. In the same vein, a good act does not make you a good person.
In order to be a bad person, you would have to consistently and frequently perform bad acts such as breaking the rules, not cooperating, and hurting others. This is hard to do and highly improbable. So even if you are responsible for a bad act, say kicking the ball poorly, you cannot judge yourself as a bad person. It’s impossible to be what you do. A bad person would only and always behave in a negative manner. And a good person would act in a positive manner towards everyone at all times. Neither of these two extremes is possible.
Three Most Damaging Core Beliefs
The three most damaging core beliefs that you can hold are as follows:
1) Other people MUST treat me fairly or they are bad people.
2) I MUST do well or else I am a bad person.
3) My life conditions MUST be the way I WANT them to be or I can’t deal with it and will NOT be happy.
There are many other irrational beliefs that you might hold, but these three seem to be at the bottom of nearly every one of them. Integral to each and every one of your irrational, negative beliefs are the words “must”, “should”, or “ought.”
The goal is to become aware of your negative core beliefs. Once you are aware of them, you can consciously substitute positive core beliefs for old, ineffective, untrue beliefs. Certain core beliefs have been proven to lead to greater well-being. The core beliefs that have been proven to work well are as follows:
Core Beliefs That Work Towards Well-being
1. You are incredibly important and matter tremendously to the rest of us.
2. You are not alone. You are surrounded by others who care.
3. There is no failure, only delayed success.
4. Lessons are repeated until learned.
5. Learning never ends.
6. The present is a better place to live than the past or the future.
7. You can handle it.
8. What you do with your life is entirely up to you.
9. All the answers lie within you. You have but to listen.
10. Always look for the good in people and events. You find what you look for.
11. Life is a roller coaster ride. Enjoy the ride.
12. Energy is limitless. You can tap into it at anytime.
Dr. John's new book is coming out end of this summer. Look for it!
For coaching with Dr. John, call for an appointment at 925-944-3440. For individuals, fees run $150 per hour. Most appointments are done via phone.
Guide To Self(C) 2005-06.
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There are four types of affect, or emotional phenomena. You may know of a few. Yet, you need to be intimately familiar with all of them if you want to learn to be an emotional genius. Research is showing over and over just how important emotional management is for success and happiness - at work, at home, and in your relationships.
Find out if you're familiar with all four types of affect. There is emotion which is the zing of feeling you get in the moment. Emotions last from a split second to a few minutes.
There are moods which last from days to weeks and are more diffuse than emotions.
There is your temperament which you are born with but can influence to be more realistically optimistic.
And then there are the emotional masks you wear.
Check them all out on this amazing edition of Guide To Self radio with your host, Dr. John Schinnerer.
Dr. John provides coaching for executives, couples, individuals, and those looking for more happiness and purpose in life. Dr. John is finishing up his first book which should be ready by Summer 2006. You can find out the latest information by visiting
http://www.GuideToSelf.com or calling 925-944-3440.
Thank you for listening! You're making the world a better place!
Duration:29 minutes, 56 seconds
MP3 File
Dr. John Schinnerer speaks with Dan Millman, former world champion gymnast, martial arts expert, coach of the U.C. Berkeley gymnastics team and author of 12 books.
Dan began by writing Way of the Peaceful Warrior back in 1980. The Peaceful Warrior is just now being released as a movie starring Nick Nolte.
Dan just finished the long-awaited prequel, 'Journeys of Socrates.' Dan also wrote a tremendous book called 'Body, Mind Mastery' which Phil Jackson called a 'must-read' for his Chicago Bulls players back in the day.
Guide To Self radio airs on KDIA, 1640 AM in the San Francisco Bay Area. More info on Guide to Self and Dr. John Schinnerer is available at http://www.guidetoself.com. (925) 944-3440.
MP3 File
Dealing with Tragedy
Dr. John Schinnerer
Guide To Self, Inc.
(925) 944-3440
Mary Tyler Moore said, "Pain nourishes courage. You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you."
As one of my professors at Cal, Dr. Nadine Lambert, died unexpectedly recently, I've been dealing with my own grief.
These are some notes I made to myself when thinking about how best to deal with sudden or unexpected tragedy or trauma.
How do you get through the painful emotions? How do you deal with the negative thoughts? How do you go forward? Here’s some thoughts…
Sense of Control
It comes down to controlling what you can. You will feel better to the extent that you can control the environment around you. To help alleviate feelings of helplessness, create an emergency plan for your family. If you already have one, revisit it. Be sure to include your children in on this as it gives them a greater sense of control. Gather supplies such as bottled water, flashlight, radio and so on and store them in an air tight garbage can. Gathering supplies and focusing on an emergency plan does two things – it helps restore your feeling of control and it distracts you from dwelling on negative and depressing thoughts.
One of the keys to managing your emotions is to distract yourself. Do things that are fun for you – exercising, reading, watch a comedy, go for a walk, enjoy nature, play with your kids.
When you notice your thoughts returning to the tragedy, gently redirect them to a memory of when you were happy and felt safe. I recommend to my clients to take mental snapshots of times when they are happy such as when they are playing in the back yard running through the sprinkler with their children. Then you can return to these mental pictures during stressful times.
Breathe
Another key is to breathe deeply. Breathe into your abdomen or stomach area, not your chest. Focus on exhaling out ALL of the air in your lungs with each breath and filling your lungs completely with each inhale.
Journal
And still another key is to journal. Studies have shown that journaling helps reduce intrusive thoughts, which are negative thoughts that come into your head unwanted. Journaling helps to get rid of these which will improve your mood.
Exercise
Keep your physical body in good shape in general to provide you with maximum energy. Staying in good physical shape gives you a greater sense of control of the environment around you. As we discussed earlier, a lot of the emotions that come up, arise due to a feeling of things being out of control. Having greater physical strength, greater flexibility, and more stamina all contribute to you having an increased sense of control over external events.
Also, for tragic events, when and if you get anxious, you may want to do activities that are relaxing such as yoga, meditation, walking, or stretching.
If you are angry or furious, any hearty physical activity such as jogging or swimming is a great way to work off strong negative emotions.
Soothing activities are helpful as well such as a shower or a warm bath.
You’ll want to avoid stimulants if you are anxious. Caffeine and sugar will increase your anxiety.
Other brief ideas:
Get back to your routine ASAP.
Help other people out. Best thing to do when you are down is focus your attention on helping others.
Symptoms of depression to watch out for:
In general, indicators of depression include changes in sleep habits – either too much or not enough, change in eating habits, significant weight gain or loss – more than approximately 5% body weight in a month, loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities, withdrawal from family and friends, family history of depression and/or anxiety, giving away valued items, complete lack of emotion, irritability, sadness, apathy (i.e., “I don’t care.”) fatigue, diminished ability to think or concentrate, and/or recurring thoughts of death and dying.
In younger children, depression appears as sadness, frustration, tiredness and anger. Younger children may appear more visibly depressed than adolescents (teenagers) and experience more physical complaints (e.g., headaches, stomachaches, etc.), fears, anxiety and nervousness. Teenagers tend to express more hopelessness, lack of any emotion at all, excessive sleeping, weight changes, and increased alcohol and/or drug use.
Find the positive in the pain
I challenge you to find your own personal positive meaning in this tragedy.
What does it represent to you? A call to action? A reminder to get in better shape? A motivation to learn to manage your thoughts and feelings? A second chance? An opportunity to do things right this time?
What are you going to LEARN from this?
Don’t sit by and passively watch another senseless tragedy go by. Use this to improve yourself and the world around you.
As Gandhi said, “You must be the change that you wish to see in the world.” That means you start with one individual – you. And you start changing you by changing what is on the inside.
The main reason for sadness is to help you adjust to a significant loss, such as the death of a family member or loss of an old friend. Sadness allows time to grieve, look inward at who you are and what you are doing with your life, and understand the meaning of the loss. One of the most important things is to figure out the meaning of the loss. The particular meaning you assign to the loss matters less than merely coming up with a meaning, any meaning for the loss. You are happier to the extent that you find a positive meaning in past events and relationships.
Just like anger builds upon itself, sadness builds upon sadness. So if your first sad thought is followed by more sad thoughts, you risk a downward spiral.
All emotion is meant to be temporary. Emotions are not permanent. They are merely passing by. You are better off to the extent that you can release them through deep breathing, exercise or journaling.
Snowball analogy for your thoughts
Imagine a snowball rolling down a large snow-covered mountain. At first, the snowball is the size of your fist, something you could easily pick up and control. However, as the snowball rolls down the hill, it picks up speed and grows exponentially. After a few yards, the snowball has increased in size to the point where you can no longer handle it by yourself. Given the right conditions, the snowball can grow to mammoth size and could cause damage to other people.
The snowball is exactly the same as our feelings. Each feeling starts out tiny and manageable. However, if you are not paying attention, the feeling grows and quickly becomes uncontrollable. In fact you only have about ½ a second to interrupt the process of negative emotions. However, it’s doable. You can do it. I’ll tell you how.
The most important thing in controlling negative emotions is nipping them in the bud. You have to tune in to your body’s cues. Your body will tell you when you are beginning to get angry, for instance. Blood rushes to your fists, your face may get red, your muscles tense, breathing becomes shallow, your jaw clenches, your eyebrows furrow and so on. We need to begin to tune in to these cues. You only have a split second in which you can interrupt the cycle of anger. Otherwise the anger builds upon itself and spirals out of control. So the first tip is to become more aware of your bodily cues. Every emotion has cues which reveal how we are feeling. Fear triggers blood flowing to the arms and legs, perspiration, raised eyebrows, and a constriction of the throat. Sadness is marked primarily by a drop in energy, tears welling up, and the longing for that which is gone. The trick is to tune into these cues quickly and interrupt the cycle.
The second tip is to understand that negative emotions are created in large part by your interpretation of the situation around you. So you can learn to change your interpretation of the world around you. Here’s one way to do this.
In stressful situations, ask yourself, “Will this matter ten years from now?” In most cases the answer is no, it won’t. If the answer is Yes, then ask yourself, “What can I do to help find a constructive solution to the problem?”
Some more quick tips to put a smile on your face:
Breathe deeply.
Take a bath or shower.
Get out in nature.
Refocus your mind on positive thoughts.
Force yourself to smile in the shower. Info in the brain travels in both directions.
And remember that this too will pass. While it may seem life-shattering now, life will improve, a smile will eventually return to your face, and you will be free to love again. When you get down, maintain a long-term perspective (e.g, view the event in terms of your entire lifespan). And never, never, never give up.
Goodbye, Nadine. You'll be missed.
All the best,
Dr. John
Guide To Self, Inc. (C) 2005-06
Capitalizing on Good News and Love
Dr. John Schinnerer
Guide To Self, Inc.
www.GuideToSelf.com
(925) 944-3440
One of the foremost researchers in the area of love and marriage is Shelly Gable, an assistant professor of psychology at UCLA. Most researchers looking at marriage work on conflict management, how to create more harmony between partners, and how individuals in a couple cope with traumatic events. Gable is one of a handful of researcher who looks at what makes a thriving marriage. Her work provides some valuable insights if you are interested in transforming your good relationship (e.g., friendship, marriage, parent or child) into a great one.
Gable looks to see how you respond when your spouse tells you that he’s just been promoted, or your child tells you that she won Class President, or when your mother tells you she won a tennis tournament, or when your friend tells you she just won a huge lawsuit. Gable puts your responses into four different categories which break down as follows:
1. An enthusiastic reaction such as “Wow! That’s tremendous. That’s the best thing I’ve heard all week. I’m sure there are more great things to come for you. You’ve definitely earned it. Congratulations!” This reaction is called the active-constructive response by Gable.
2. A more subdued reaction where you share your happiness but say little. For example, “That’s nice dear.” This is the passive-constructive response.
3. Or perhaps you point out some of the potential pitfalls or negatives within the good event. For instance, “Wow, I sure hope you can handle all that extra responsibility. Does this mean you will have to work extra hours?” Gable refers to this as the active-destructive response.
4. Or, you might respond with disinterest and not respond to the good news at all. Most folks do this by merely changing the subject, “Yes, but what do you think about the weather outside?” This is known as the passive-destructive response.
The first type of response, the active-constructive one, is called “capitalizing” by Gable and here’s the fascinating part…capitalizing amplifies the pleasure of the good event and creates an upward spiral of good feelings.
Gable has shown that capitalizing is one of the keys to strong, supportive, thriving relationships. So how do you respond to good news from other people? Are you a “capitalizer” who creates upward spirals of positive emotions? Or do you turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to the good news of others?
The consequences of learning how to be more of a “capitalizer” are impressive and robust. Couples who describe themselves as having a spouse who is active and constructive in response to their good news are:
• More committed to the relationship
• More in love
• Happier in their marriage
• Happier in other significant relationships (i.e., friends, parents, children and coworkers).
Think about that the next time your mate comes in the door with exciting news!
Guide To Self(C) 2005-06.
