Innocent Lie

Posted by Doncrack Thursday, December 10, 2009

I can't sleep tonight, thinking too much. I lied today, only I didn't think I was lying. As a matter of fact, I would've sworn on a bunch of holy books in front of a judge that I wasn't lying. Practically did, as a matter of fact.

I was asked if I had done something I said I would do. I said, yes! I was questioned back and forth on it, each time I said yes--emphatically. The second time I was questioned, I went back just to make sure I had done it, but with all confidence I had. But with growing horror, and then dread I realized that I had only done it most of the way. I fixed it, also with a sense of dread. I had absolutely believed I had done it. I was doing a bunch of things at the same time, and didn't realize that I hadn't completely finished it. I was trying to do too much at once, and had also gotten pulled away a few times when doing it. When questioned about it again later I was honest about it, as pitiful as it sounded.

In consoling me, a loved one said, "How can it be lying if you didn't know you did it?" I'm not sure, because I did sort of lie--although unintentionally--but it almost doesn't matter at all. My intentions don't even matter--what matters is how was perceived, and I don't believe it was perceived well.

I truly see how it looked. It looked like I had made a mistake, and lied about it. And then when I fixed it, and didn't state right off that I fixed it, it looked like I was hiding that too, but it was pure panic and anxiety and fear. This isn't a situation I've ever been in before, and didn't exactly know what to do (still don't actually). No one can really know a person's intentions from the outside. And that's also what it comes down to.

I am a genuine person, and I am flawed as well. I make mistakes like everyone else does. And an honest mistake is still a mistake when it all comes down in the wash.

And no matter how much I would want it to be different, other people's reactions are not mine to control. At least, no matter the repercussions, I can maybe rest easy that it wasn't on purpose. I always give everything I do the best effort I can. Since I didn't fall short on purpose (who does?), I just have to let it go, go on to the next task, and pray the repercussions aren't too harsh.

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Unintentional Cruelty

Posted by Doncrack


Sometimes people are unintentionally cruel. They may not realize they are doing it. Outright cruelty is obvious. Someone in front trips on some stairs, falling head first into a snowbank, and someone laughs before making sure that the person is ok (if they ever do).

Then there are moments of unintentional cruelty. There was one time, in the past two years, I was unintentionally cruel to someone that seems to have affected them badly. My birth-mother had just passed, and I had to find ways to pay for her cremation. My Uncle, as her eldest living relative should have helped (and eventually did), but didn't for a while. In the meantime, I had to hock my car, get into worse debt by not paying important bills, and basically work my tushy off with extra hours and high stress during a time that I was grieving my hardest.

I've been mad at my Uncle for a while, for things that have to do with my mother's care and treatment. But when I talked to him, I said something that was an honest thought, but shouldn't have been stated aloud. "Now that your brother and sister have died so young, are you scared that you'll be next?"

To be fair, I think he would have gotten there on his own, but I don't think that was the right thing to say. Within a few months he was diagnosed with frontal lobe dementia and is now living in a home with an extremely shortened life expectation.

I wish I hadn't said that, and part of me thinks I said it lashing out at him, for being so mad at how he took care of my mother (or didn't, actually). As soon as I turned 18, he had no problem stepping back and letting me be the adult in the situation, even though he was obviously the adult with a good 30 years on me. But I feel guilty for my cruelty, even though I've been mad at him for a long time.

But there are other ways that people can be cruel - dismissing you, your value, or your talents in conversation. Patronizing, or talking down to you as though you weren't intelligent enough to understand something. Some people have the courage to say something when these things happen, but I don't believe in being confrontational, until confrontation is necessary. I won't avoid the big confrontations, but I won't do it for 'small' things.

I do believe that everyone does the best they can in any given situation. And sometimes unintentional cruelty is a mask for bigger things going on in a person's life. And we all know that sometimes people are cruel to mask their own insecurity.

So, the question becomes, when is enough enough? I draw the line when unintentionally cruel words become actions. Or when cruel words become a constant instead of an every once in a while thing. No one should have to be a doormat.

All best,

Rose

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Strength in Weakness

Posted by Doncrack


Strength can come in many forms. Physical strength, where, even the weakest of us can lift cars off of children in moments of crisis. Spiritual strength, where your faith keeps you strong, wraps you in a blanket of understanding. Intelligent strength, where you use the talents of your brain to make life situations better. And emotional strength, where you recognize emotionally what's going on, and although you hurt, strive to step bravely into the future regardless.

Strength is both innate, and reinforced through life experiences. We all have the capacity to be strong. Even when we feel like we can't possibly handle something, this strength will come out, and handle it we will.

Strength is getting past tears, but not ignoring or repressing them. It's understanding that you are sad, and deciding to step forward with determination, and despite them.

Strength is knowing that you can make a mistake, and do your best to rectify it. You can face what can be ugly with dignity and poise, knowing that you've always given your best, even if it doesn't work out.

Strength is staring into the face of the unknown, and stepping through the gateway.

I imagine the rune for strength: Uruz. It's shape is two heavy stone pillars supporting a stone roof. One pillar is higher than the other, representing your highest strengths, while the shorter one represents your weaknesses - which still hold up the stone roof above.

In this way, strength has a foundation of earth, with pillars of intellect and physical strength supporting our hearts. When you feel least strong, you will be called upon to be the most strong.

And you will be.

And we all have strength unseen, strength in the form of our family and friends, strength in our personal faiths, strength in our ideas, and in our hearts.


If you can count on no one but yourself, you can still count on yourself. And if you're lucky enough to have people around you to support you, handle what you must handle alone, but turn to them for the hugs and kind words you need after the fact.

Wishing all of you strength--even though it's unnecessary. You have it, down in the bottom where everything seems lost.

All best,

Rose

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no comments?

Posted by Doncrack Sunday, December 6, 2009

and here was i thinking that no one had ever read my posts. i figured no comments must mean no readers. well actually people do read and try to post comments. problem is they have to be "members" to have the comment recorded. folk who read my bloggs are not keen to join anything or to provide information to anyone. They are a very anonymous bunch. so i guess I'll just keep writing.

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Constant Motivation required...

Posted by Doncrack Friday, December 4, 2009



You know this week I have realised again how easy it is to slip into old ways.

I have been working online and offering help to my visitors for years right?

I have been giving advice, tips and techniques about how important it is to believe in yourself. I have always known this to be true.

This week I have been continuing to work on a big project I have for my website and as with everything worth doing there are ups and downs. It is critical not to become negative when you experience one of those downs.

It is a hard, lonely road when you face your problems and challenges alone. I decided to get help and now have a mentor - someone to help me and motivate me to try new things and reach for success.

This week I started to rethink what I was doing and negativity got the better of me. Yes I pretended to myself that I was considering the worst case scenario but really I was just preparing myself to limit my success.

Do you believe in the law of attraction?

If you think you can do something you will. If you think you cannot then you will not. You attract the things in your life according to your thinking.

I do believe this.

So why did I start to think negatively? This won't work. My results will not be that good. This is a problem, that is a problem. Shame about this and pity about that...

I needed to get positive and my friend told me exactly what I needed to hear...

"Karl you have GOT to be more positive..."

"Get your head in the game and stop all the negativity ... think BIG and you will make BIG ... put a ceiling on yourself and you will fail rapidly!"

How true. You see, we all go backwards sometimes but I'm here to tell you today that you need to stop yourself at those times and decide to move forward again.

Self improvement is the most worthwhile thing yet it requires self motivation and constant work. When you get down, don't stay there - do something to help yourself...

We'll talk about what you can do to help yourself next time but for today one peice of advice:

Get the help of a friend or if you have a major project in mind get the help of a professional. When someone is supporting what you're doing and there to help you when you fall or stumble it can make it so much easier.

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