So, I've had a rough couple of days, although I believe (and hope!) it'll be better today.
I've put a lot of work, time, passion and effort to do things that didn't turn out 100%. I tried very hard, but all my effort resulted in negatives. I was crushed, but had to tough it out. I've heard negatives every day this week, and have felt really small.
There's very little worse than walking around at your normal height, but feeling about 2 inches big. Being constantly reminded on the outside is doubled when you're telling yourself exactly the same things. It's hard not to feel as if you yourself are inferior, when really it's not you, it is your actions that didn't have the desired result.
Other people can separate themselves from the work that they do, but this is not something I've learned how to do. My brother says, "I'm not a trucker. I'm a man who drives a truck for a living." And that's really important to him that people understand that he is who he is, not what he does. For me, I'm the opposite, but need to learn not to be. Just because I tried and failed doesn't mean that I am, personally, a failure. Even though it feels like it.
I've always taken failures personally. It started when I was fighting for my mother's guardianship. I tried valiantly for years, but was ultimately unsuccessful at it, and had to watch for years while she was not treated with the love and compassion and dignity, or even the basic care she deserved. Other people number my successes quite highly, but I tend to only see the failures. I know this is something I need to change, but haven't figured out how.
I tend to accept how other people are, and don't believe in trying to change people. I think that's arrogant - that someone thinks they are better than you and that you need to change. I am happy to change, when I see the way.... I understand that growth can be painful, but I am happy to do it, in my own time, and in my own way, and if I can see where the growth is going to lead me.
I learned a long time ago, that you really have to turn off your emotions to be successful at a job. It's taken time and effort, but I'm usually pretty good at this, but there are situations where they come out in force. I don't like this, but I understand it's a human failing.
If I were to list my successes, I would say, finding my sweetheart, helping a lot of people, being a huge reader, being published in two books and in 12-14 journals, getting a scholarship because of my writing, graduating from college, getting promotions most places I work, having my art work in galleries, selling my art work from galleries, getting into, and getting scholarships to law schools, paying bills and keeping a roof over my head, and being a good and loyal friend and family member, and a good caretaker of our animals.
But it's weird that I don't see my successes, and it's especially hard to see them when I'm feeling as big as Thumbelina. I wish I knew how other people do this. I don't know how anyone gets the courage to face the day sometimes when every step is an effort, and there may be more negative emotional things to deal with in your day.
So, yeah, I guess I'm feeling blue today, and have been all week. I don't know how to be less invested in the things that I do. I always want to do the best job possible, although sometimes it doesn't work out that way.
Anyway, thanks for listening all, and
Best Wishes,
Rose
