I can't sleep tonight, thinking too much. I lied today, only I didn't think I was lying. As a matter of fact, I would've sworn on a bunch of holy books in front of a judge that I wasn't lying. Practically did, as a matter of fact.
I was asked if I had done something I said I would do. I said, yes! I was questioned back and forth on it, each time I said yes--emphatically. The second time I was questioned, I went back just to make sure I had done it, but with all confidence I had. But with growing horror, and then dread I realized that I had only done it most of the way. I fixed it, also with a sense of dread. I had absolutely believed I had done it. I was doing a bunch of things at the same time, and didn't realize that I hadn't completely finished it. I was trying to do too much at once, and had also gotten pulled away a few times when doing it. When questioned about it again later I was honest about it, as pitiful as it sounded.
In consoling me, a loved one said, "How can it be lying if you didn't know you did it?" I'm not sure, because I did sort of lie--although unintentionally--but it almost doesn't matter at all. My intentions don't even matter--what matters is how was perceived, and I don't believe it was perceived well.
I truly see how it looked. It looked like I had made a mistake, and lied about it. And then when I fixed it, and didn't state right off that I fixed it, it looked like I was hiding that too, but it was pure panic and anxiety and fear. This isn't a situation I've ever been in before, and didn't exactly know what to do (still don't actually). No one can really know a person's intentions from the outside. And that's also what it comes down to.
I am a genuine person, and I am flawed as well. I make mistakes like everyone else does. And an honest mistake is still a mistake when it all comes down in the wash.
And no matter how much I would want it to be different, other people's reactions are not mine to control. At least, no matter the repercussions, I can maybe rest easy that it wasn't on purpose. I always give everything I do the best effort I can. Since I didn't fall short on purpose (who does?), I just have to let it go, go on to the next task, and pray the repercussions aren't too harsh.
